i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
