My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
