Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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