Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
