Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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