her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
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He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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