I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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