I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
