My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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