Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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