two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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