I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i've created a new STD.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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