Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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