DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
