I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
