I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
