Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
