I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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