Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.