When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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