Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
