plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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