you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
