He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
