And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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