He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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