Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My ass is underappreciated
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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