Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
