Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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