I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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