She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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