When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
