The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
