she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
