Soap is not a condiment
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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