he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
