I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
