Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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