can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
