Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
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Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize