i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
