sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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