dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
