I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he puts the penis in happiness.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You can't just leave with hair like that
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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