He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
