I think im going to throw up on grandma
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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