Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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