I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
