I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
