Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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