I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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