tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
