I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
