there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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