Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
