you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
