I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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