ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
