so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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