Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
