I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
