I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
