Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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